


In my head you are so flawless

by ravelqueen



Category: Yu-Gi-Oh! VRAINS
Genre: Angst, Episode Related, Introspection, M/M, POV Fujiki Yuusaku, Slight Canon Divergence, divergence because konami did not show us the sad ai/yusaku make outs like the cowards they are, sad make outs, takes place right after the start of the Ai vs everyone duels in s3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-14
Updated: 2019-07-14
Packaged: 2020-06-28 03:52:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19804162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ravelqueen/pseuds/ravelqueen
Summary: He’d thought he was going to be strong enough, but that thin wall around him, holding him up, collapsed the second Ai turns around on his D-board, cocky smile on his lips, a mad sparkle in his eyes.“Hiya, Yusaku-chan~~” he thrills and Yusaku – for a second he’s weirdly weightless, suspended in time, because this voice – it makes him dizzy. The recording should have prepared him for this, but actually it couldn’t, it didn’t do it justice, because as much as it’s different filtered through these simulated vocal chords, it is achingly, heart-stoppingly familiar.





	In my head you are so flawless

**Author's Note:**

> uhhh so I'm not caught up on Vrains so I actually *don't* know how the Yusaku /Ai confrontation played out (aside from him being disappointed that it might not be the real Ai), but my weird schedule did allow me to finish up this fic, because sadly I don't think it's the route Konami will take, but I SURE WISH IT WAS.
> 
> shoutout and thanks to Pachi who keeps feeding me with praise, because I really am that easily manipulated

Yusaku didn’t know, didn’t  _ expect –  _

When he had heard,  _ seen _ what Ai did, what he was now, his thoughts had been blank for a while, because – He had been different, he had  _ sounded _ different, his simulated face, somehow more yet  _ less _ animated than before. But it still had been  _ Ai,  _ every part of the cocky attitude and overblown gestures something he could remember, could imagine contrasting against the stark boring walls of his apartment.

When he made the decision to come here, to not ignore what was happening, when he made the resolve to protect what the Ai-that-was had helped him protect, he thought it would be hard. He had tried to steel his heart, to remember who he was  _ before _ , because surely that Yusaku, that  _ Playmaker _ was the one who was needed to meet this challenge, to make sure that what the other Ignis sacrificed themselves for, what Ai almost sacrificed himself for, was not in vain. 

So that he could preserve what they had created, so that whenever this grief, this swirling abyss inside of Ai passed, he would not hate himself. He would not regret, he would not hurt more. Because he couldn’t believe that this - this destruction, this glee at hardship, hurting Zaizen Akira, was really what Ai wanted, deep down.

So he knew it was hard, it was  _ going  _ to be hard, but he has done hard things before. He had gone through difficult moments, times when he felt like he couldn’t move under what he had to do. 

He didn’t think this time was going to be any different, another obstacle to trudge through, another fight to fight, even though he was so  _ tired _ , tired in a way that he didn’t think sleep could cure anymore. It was sunk into his bones and even though he’d thought he might finally get a chance to rest a bit, after Bohman, after everything, he would do this. For Ai, he would stand up again, because what else was there.

So he had the resolve, he was prepared, ready, all the strength other people considered him to have an abundance of, bundled in front of him like a shield. He didn’t have Ai here anymore to build it out of deep purple arms, all around him. He had to stand up, hold up alone. It was what Ai deserved from him, was  _ owed _ .

And at first he thought it would work, that he would be fine, the happy expression on the faces below him, Soulburner and Revolver, the Zaizens and Ghost Girl giving him a slight thrill. A warm point in the center of his chest wrapped in weariness – all of these people depending on him, yes, but also  _ believing _ in him. Thinking his existence, his presence could make a positive difference, his impact written in sparkling eyes and straight shoulders.

So he’d thought, he’d for a second  _ believed _ that he could be all they thought he was, all that Ai needed to keep him from being  _ stupid _ . Just like he’d believed he could help Kusanagi-san alone, could protect people without other people falling around him, stepping on a pile of bodies to reach his pyrrhic victory

(He knows that no humans died in the end, that they were all  _ fine _ , even the weird kid from school coming out of it with bragging material shoved in front of the deeply buried terror in his eyes – but he also knows it was just luck in the end. 

Luck and some faulty code and too much sacrifice in the end, a rainbow of small lives snuffed out, aside from the darkness they had kept safe in their middle.

It could have easily been different, could have ended with all these people torn away, thousands of thousands of lives snuffed out, because he was too slow, always too slow.)

He’d thought he was going to be strong enough, but that thin wall around him, holding him up, collapsed the second Ai turns around on his D-board, cocky smile on his lips, a mad sparkle in his eyes.

“Hiya, Yusaku-chan~~” he thrills and Yusaku – for a second he’s weirdly weightless, suspended in time, because this  _ voice –  _ it makes him dizzy. The recording should have prepared him for this, but actually it couldn’t, it didn’t do it justice, because as much as it’s different filtered through these simulated vocal chords, it is achingly, heart-stoppingly  _ familiar. _

It reaches through the distance and makes his heart pound.  _ It’s too far away, it should be so much closer _ is all he can think for this frozen moment, he’s disoriented by it. 

He comes back to himself in a rush of air that is his D-board dropping, him righting himself, fake adrenaline shooting through his veins at how close he came to tumbling off into the void, because of nothing but the a voice.

“Hello Ai.” he manages, but it crawls out of his throat in a croak, because as it turns out he  _ can’t _ do this. He wants to be strong for Ai, the way he was always for him, to be the support he needs at this moment, but he can already tell he won’t be able to – he doesn’t want to fight, he just wants to be  _ closer _ , longs to close the unnatural distance between them in a way that’s so all encompassing that it almost scares him.

“Ahh, I was hoping you’d show up!” Ai continues, gleeful and happy – Yusaku catches the dark undertones, the way it’s tinged with something oily, wrong, but still can’t help the way he relaxes at the sound – “It’s not a party without Playmaker-sama after all!"

“Ai – “ he starts, but he doesn’t even know what he wants to say, what he  _ can _ say. Ai twirls around on his board, arms spread wide doing a pirouette while giggling to himself and Yusaku – he loses even this train of thought, the only thing he’s capable of is drinking him in, the way this unfamiliar body gets moved in the most familiar ways, hungrily following the snap of fingers, the bend of the waist, the flick of the head, flailing legs and he’s aching,  _ aching _ .

“Now do you want to start this here or – “ he hunkers down on the board, cocks his head, two fingers under his chin in one of his dramatic gestures, “I guess these surroundings don’t really do justice to our  _ epic _ duel.” 

He looks around critically, before he looks up at Yusaku, fake human eyes sparkling up at Yusaku, same but the shape is wrong and yet they are so entrancing. “It’s the  _ highlight _ of today after all, think of the  _ drama _ Yusaku – partners pitted against each other!” he sighs out, dreamily. 

And then proceeds to wave his arms around, crunching his brows in fake effort – and conjures up a vista of a destroyed city, huge skyscrapers tipped half over, debris on the ground around them. Yusaku squints and he’s almost sure he can make out some cars in the distance that are on fire. It’s over the top and theatrical and looks like it’s from a bad C-grade martial arts movie and Yusaku feels so  _ fond  _ and happy and he  _ hurts –  _

“Ai,  _ please _ .” his legs have given out, the second there is solid ground under him, so he’s literally on his knees, which is fitting he thinks. Because this isn’t anything but him begging right now – he can hear it in his voice, foreign, weak, fracturing, but he can’t stop himself, doesn’t want to. 

Even when he knows that the others could be watching, seeing their hero break apart right in the middle before any fight has even started, Even with the weight of their combined disappointment, with the heavy knowledge of what he’s doing to them, to  _ Ai _ , he can’t stop himself, because Ai is  _ right there _ and while he was gone - then and now – he could tell himself and believe that the absence doesn’t bother him, but that lie doesn’t work with his presence so close, almost close enough to touch.

Maybe he thought he’d be fine, because Ai doesn’t look like he used to, that he’d be able to use this to distance himself, but faced with how very much  _ himself _ he is, recognizable and oozing Ai from every single fake molecule, it’s laughable. Yusaku does let out a small chuckle at himself, the situation; the mighty Playmaker brought to his knees by nothing but an energetic smile, a boisterous voice and his traitorous heart racing at the feeling of  _ home _ enveloping him the second he met Ai’s eyes.

And suddenly there are actual arms enveloping him, and while they aren’t anything like the 6 huge, black appendages Ai used to have, they  _ feel _ like it, encompassing his form and he traps the sob behind his teeth so hard and quick he can feel it aching in the back of his throat.

“Yusaku.” Ai says, and Yusaku grinds his teeth,  _ hard, _ but a tiny bit of a whine slips through, because he’s been saying his name, but he didn’t say it like  _ this –  _ the way he used to sometimes, in the quiet of his bedroom, in the middle of battle. Warm and intimate, meaning  _ partner, _ and  _ I’m here _ . Meaning  _ home _ .

“I’m so sorry I have to do this.” One of the human hands has found its way into his hair and it’s still  _ weird _ , but also it’s big and warm and Yusaku can’t help the way he sinks into it. “I didn’t know it would –.” a shake of his head “no that’s a lie. I just didn’t want to dwell on it.”

“Why not.” he forces out, breathing deep, trying to calm down, to marshall his thoughts, because maybe this is an opportunity, maybe not all is lost, maybe his weakness brought Ai close enough to still change the outcome of this day.

“It might have changed my mind.” Ai says simply and Yusaku’s heart lifts, hope kindling like a warm flame near his breast bone. He pushes himself away a bit, just enough to look into Ai’s eyes.

“You don’t have –” he starts and he hates how halting it is, none of the strength he is used to injecting into his voice when he’s here, like this, so he starts again, tries to project … something. The something Ai must have seen in him to dive into a maelstrom of certain death for his victory. “You don’t have to do this.”

Ai smiles at him, small, warm, lovely – but his eyes don’t lose their distance and the little bit of hope that had started growing gutters and dies. “I do.” he says, with a conviction so strong it shakes Yusaku. After a moment he realizes he’s actually shaking – with failure, with devastation. He had his chance and he messed it up.

Yusaku knows this tone of voice after all, has heard it before – Ai will never change his mind when he sounds like this. It’s how he sounded when he decided to protect Yusaku. It’s how he sounded in the dark and stillness of Yusaku’s bedroom when he told Yusaku – 

“I love you, my Yusaku.” he says, leaves the tenderest kiss on his forehead. “I will always love you.” He punctuates every word with a kiss on his face, to where tears leak out silently, peppers them across his brows. He finally reaches his mouth and it’s  _ weird, weird, weird _ , the way it’s a human mouth now and yet it’s not at all - it’s still Ai kissing him, still him prying his mouth open, even though he does it now with a tongue like his own.

Yusaku loses himself in it for a bit, in the way Ai is all around him, tipping him back, still strong, stronger than him. Consciously allows himself to forget where he is, who he is, what he is here for and just  _ feels _ . Claws into Ai’s ridiculous robe, arms around Ai’s back, trying to get him closer, eliminating the distance between their suddenly complementary bodies.

Ai makes a startled noise in the back of his borrowed throat and then  _ surges _ forward, toppling Yusaku to the ground and blanketing his body, the kiss suddenly aggressive. The hand in his hair grips tight, repositioning him slightly so he can reach better, the other hand pressed in the small of Yusaku’s back, so they are connected everywhere.

Yusaku doesn’t know how long they kiss, time useless here anyway. The only thing that is important is holding Ai close to him, the way he sighs in his mouth, the way his hair tickles his cheek. When they separate it’s only so Ai can kiss down his throat, whispering endearments Yusaku does his best not to hear. 

His head tips back and he opens his eyes to a picture of destruction, a world lost, civilization crumbling around him and he wonders if this is what Ai is after, if this is what he’s aiming for. 

And for a glorious moment, with Ai’s strangely human lips biting into his throat, and his weirdly human body pressing him into the cold hard floor, he  _ does not care _ , doesn’t see why he should, when he can have  _ this _ – Ai all around him, keeping out the chill, whispering love and adoration into his skin.

It doesn’t last long though – these things never does. This time it’s the staticky voice of Soulburner frantically calling his codename to bring reality crashing down. The reality of people depending on him, the weight pressing him more effectively into the ground than Ai ever could.

Of Ai, dear, bright, precious Ai, here in his arms, but undeniably  _ wrong _ , all his energy and conviction and unshakable core of  _ goodness _ overshadowed by something, kept down and twisted by grief and guilt. Needing Yusaku to help him.

He closes his eyes for another second, two, drags Ai’s mouth back to him, kissing him once, twice, three times ( _ a kiss for the road, yusaku-chan! I saw it on TV, come on, stop being boring!  _ he can hear echoing in his head, making him chuckle through the tears he presses into Ai’s fake skin), before he pulls himself away.

Ai lets him, doesn’t fight it, aside from an involuntary tightening of his arms, more instinct than intent and it sends a hot flash right through Yusaku.

“It’s time, then?” he asks and  _ god _ he knows Yusaku  _ so well _ , it hurts, the pain is like a vice around his heart, because what if he’s not good enough to save him this time as well (He’s never saved him before after all – Ai always,  _ always _ saved himself and maybe that’s why it felt like dying the second he looked into eyes shining with a fanatical light and realised that whatever this is, it has a hold on Ai so deep, so complete that he would not be able to this time – that if Yusaku fails, Ai is lost forever)

“Yes.” he says. He often wishes he was better with words, could use them to reach out and make people understand – but he’s never felt that with Ai, and it’s not different now. It is time. What else is there to say.

“Remember: I love you.” Ai says quietly – but it rings through the air between them. Ai normally coats everything in words, as if he needs to force every bit of his meaning in as small a space as possible. But now he doesn’t, because he knows he doesn’t need to – just like Ai knows Yusaku, he knows Ai.

So he hears the  _ No matter what happens _ , he hears the  _ I don’t break a promise _ , the almost regretful  _ Loving you won’t stop me from doing what I need to. _

It makes Yusaku’s lips pull in a slight smile as he gets up, even though it feels grotesque on his face: he shouldn’t be smiling when his heart is breaking apart.

Ai is in front of him now, visibly trying to put his mask back on, the villain he’s chosen to play, but he takes a look at his face and whatever he sees makes him crumble again, makes this new face look like Yusaku’s Ai again.

Makes him pull Yusaku in again, face caught between his hands, a deep kiss. “I  _ love _ you.” he says again, almost desperate.

“I know, aibou.” Yusaku says, clasps Ai’s face between his own hands, mirroring each other. He knows Ai, as Ai knows him. As partners know each other. So he whispers into the tiny space between them, a territory belonging only to  _ them _ .. “But you loved them, too.” 

Ai’s closes his eyes on the sob that tears through him at that, hidden from the world behind their combined hands, forehead pressing against Yusaku’s, tears seeping through his fingers. 

“ _ Yes _ .” he forces out, and they stay there for a moment longer, Yusaku blending out the staticky calls for his names easily for now. Because all of it is for Ai, in the end. So he holds steady while Ai cries and shakes, letting it out freely in a way Yusaku never can.

“I’m sorry,” he finally says, voice thick and Yusaku wonders why this happens here – it’s not like there is actual things congesting their airways after a cry – before the words register.

“Don’t be.” he says, stroking his thumbs across Ai’s cheeks.

“I’m sorry, –” he says again as if Yusaku hasn’t spoken “that I can’t love you more than them.”

“Don’t be.” Yusaku repeats, softer, stealing another tiny kiss.

“I just want you to know.” he says, calming down now, voice smoothing out so much quicker than it should, if this were the real world, Ai in a real body. “That you deserve that.”

Yusaku has to duck his head at that, move away, arms encircling his body against his will.

“Hey, I mean it.” Ai says, stepping close to him, not letting him get away, lifting his chin with one hand. “You deserve to have someone love you like that, Yusaku, you  _ do _ .” The conviction is back, the steel core of him, saying that he’s sure that he’s unshakable, that it might not be the  _ truth _ , but it’s true for him. “I wish I could have been that for you, put you first.” He looks conflicted at that and Yusaku for a wild moment realises that this could be his real last chance, that right here, right now he could get Ai to pull back, to not  _ do  _ this, by leveraging Ai’s need to make him happy.

He opens his mouth, but what comes out is “You can’t do that, you are Ai after all.” and he spreads his arms a bit, in a bad imitation “Ai means love, so you always have too much love to give.” He tries to waggle his eyebrows at that, can tell that it’s a sad attempt, but it makes Ai break out in laugh that tears through his throat like a sob.

Because he could have used this moment of weakness, but only through destroying what,  _ who _ Ai is – and what would be the point. He cannot fathom himself doing that. Not even for all of humanity.

The broken up calls of his name finally break through the static, clear, panicked voices in different pitches cracking through the quiet. Ai skips back, making his coat flare dramatically and just like that it’s over. Yusaku can’t even feel disappointed, because they’ve said all they needed to – he uses the time to fix his face, instead of indulging in useless regret.

“I guess this means the cavalry has arrived.” Ai says, when Soulburner and Revolver are close enough to see them, wild laughter in his voice, the moment of weakness wiped away as if it never was, just this overblown villain character he has chosen to play.

He strides closer to Yusaku, grabs his waist and before he has time to react, dips him for a last deep kiss, straight out of a Hollywood movie, before setting him back on his feet and getting on his D-board. Yusaku rolls his eyes at the squawks in the distance and Ghost Girls loud whistle in his ear, their connection clear again, but makes sure to hide the small endeared smile from the approaching men.

“I’ll guess I’ll get you next time.” Ai says, voice deepening theatrically, before he breaks out in peals of laughter and whisking away.

Soulburner gets to him a second later, worried and flustered and Yusaku summons a smile for him, gives Revolver a strong, confident nod, says some comforting nonsense into the channel reserved for Kusanagi-san and pointedly ignores all questions of what happened in the time he wasn’t in contact.

He’s not who they need him to be, he’s not who  _ Ai _ needs him to be, but himself is all he has. He’ll see how far it takes him.

**Author's Note:**

> come cry with me about Vrains on my [twitter](https://twitter.com/ravelqueen)
> 
> (If you can guess what the title is from we can also scream about that, because I listened to [redacted] the whole time while I was writing this)
> 
> Comments feed the needy


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